Check Please! Restaurant Etiquette
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I’ve been seeing this topic creep up a lot lately, in magazines, web sites and in conversations with friends. What is the proper way to settle the tab at a restaurant while dining out as a group?
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As you all know, Siv and I love to eat out and we often eat out with others. Our normal dining companions are close friends who eat and drink as much as we do, so when the check comes it is really a no-brainer to split it equally. But sometimes when we go out with others who we don’t usually eat out with, occasionally we run into some uncomfortable situations when the check arrives. Especially when someone in the group ate just a salad or skipped the entrée or didn’t drink alcohol and got stuck with paying more than their share. While I understand it is not fair to that person to split the check evenly, I’ve noticed that it is never a pleasant experience to sort through the check and figure out who had what and how much each person owes. I feel like it really spoils the whole experience and takes the fun out of that whole evening.
Some restaurants do offer separate checks if you let them know at the beginning of the meal, but even then sometimes it is not as simple as that. What if you order appetizers and desserts family style? How awkward is it to take the calculator out and ask who all dug into the calamari? I go out with girlfriends all the time and when I go out in a smaller group and if I ordered something more expensive than the others, or if I drank more alcohol, I always offer to pay a bit more or cover the tip. The very few times when I was on the other side being the one who ate/drank the least, I’ve never made an issue and suggested to split the check evenly. In bigger groups, it is just easier to split the checks equally. I have gone out with people who’ve made a big fuss about the check after a really fun night out and thus spoiling the whole night. Needless to say they were totally ignored on the invites for such night outs in the future. Is that fair? Probably not, but it sure was easier and more fun the next time.
I wouldn’t mind if someone ate only a salad and had a glass of water and his/her portion of the bill would come to $50 if split equally and they decided to just throw in a $20 bill. It is quite easy to tell the waiter to split the remaining check evenly between the rest of the people. But if someone ate and drank for $40, but his/her portion of the bill would come to $50 if divided equally, I think that person should just pony up the extra $10 and not make an issue.
What do you all think? How do you split a check when different people consume food and drinks of different value?
How do you split alcohol bill? Normally the drinks cost much more than the food, and a few don’t drink at all. It is not fair for them to split that bill, should we start asking for a separate check for booze and divide it evenly among those who drank and split the food part equally? What if one person just had one glass of wine and another had four?
Am I the only one who thinks it’s all so complicated and the only way to keep this fun and simple is to split the check evenly. I consider eating out as a form of entertainment, you are not only paying for what you ate, but for the company as well, so sometimes you may end up paying more, and sometimes less. It should all even out eventually! Why would we let money get in the way of having fun? Even though this sounds good in theory, I understand that in today’s economic conditions, where everyone worries about their job security and the dwindling savings accounts, some of these additional dollars could really add up. So, here’s a few pointers on what I think as somewhat fair way to do this without making things too complex and awkward.
- If you dine out with the same set of people often enough, and all of you pretty much eat and drink in the same ballpark, just split the check evenly. It will all even out eventually. Chances are that it was never an issue with this group of people to start with!
- If you are eating at a cheap restaurant (typically where the bill won’t come to more than $20-$25 per person), just split the check evenly. The few extra bucks are not worth the hassle of figuring out who ate what for how much.
- If you are dining out with a small group of people who you don’t usually dine with, and everyone is getting their own dishes, ask for separate checks at the beginning of the meal, if the restaurant allows it.
- If you are dining out with a small group of people and decided to order bottles of wine for the table, and appetizers family style, just split the check evenly. If there is a teetotaler or vegetarian in the group who didn’t participate in the communal activity, just guesstimate their share and ask them to pay cash. Everyone else should split the reminder of the check evenly. If the discrepancy is so large, that probably the lone person just had a small salad and water when everyone else ordered lobster and wine, don’t even ask that person to pay. Rest of the people should just divide the check.
- If there are a few teetotalers in a group, ask for separate checks for booze and food. Divide the booze check between the drinkers and divide the food portion evenly.
- If you go out as couples and there is one single person, divide the bill by number of people, not by the number of credit cards/families so that you won’t stick the single with a bigger amount. It will help if the single person brought cash instead of telling the waiter to put 2/5th on two cards and 1/5th on another card.
- If there are children in the group, take it on a case by case basis. If the children ordered from the children’s menu, just ignore them while doing the tally, it is too small an amount to care. But if the children ordered adult sized entrees and generally participated in the appetizer/dessert splits, do take their numbers into consideration while dividing the food part of the check if you got separate booze and food checks.
All the above points are assuming that everyone in the group are more or less in the same economic situation. If you are extremely rich and are hanging out with less fortunate friends, do offer to pick up the whole tab at least once in a while. Similarly if you have a friend who is going through tough times, don’t let him/her pay, provided he/she won’t be offended by the gesture. Also, all the above are written assuming that everyone who you dine with are honest and fair.
So, dear reader, what do you think? Do you have any more tips to make dining out with friends a more pleasant experience?
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oh this is such a valid situation that creeps up all the time. TH and I don’t drink but we are quite hearty eaters. In India, we always split the bill equally but the easiest part was, we didn’t eat out much with friends cuz all our friends were from work and when we did go out, it was mostly for a buffer or a friend’s bday party. In both these cases, its really not an issue.
Here, we notice that when we go out, like you mentioned, drinks cost much more, especially wine and we normally just order coke or in my case, water. We always end up paying more than our share and though now we have kind of accepted that fact, we find that eating with friends is proving expensive! Its a little discomforting to part with extra money consistently just for the company. Especially since both of us are in the beginning of our careers and every cent counts (hope that doesn’t make me sound cheap!)
Bottom line: we split the bill equally each time, including tip and in some cases it does make us feel like we paid for 2 meals instead of one. But that feeling passes and we move on
Oh I feel for you N, if this is a the regular gang you hang out with, I think it will be a good idea to bring this up with them. Especially if you both don’t drink, the extra money you are paying for every meal can really add up quickly!
Oh and no, it doesn’t make you sound cheap! It is your hard-earned money and how you spend it is totally your decision.
Heyy Nags:
We often hangout with friends for a meal.. and its quite understandable on the sharing part.
Now that I dont work with the little one around us.. , one needs to be wise.. in ur savings
We are vegies.. and all our friends are purely non vegies.. Initially we used to share the whole .. but everyone understands… so we just share our bit of the vegetarian food
and for people who dont drink.. their bill doesnt have the drinking share…
This is quite fair enough…
Great writeup Sig! Maybe when going out with people outside of the regular group, its a good idea to set expectations early on so that no one is griping after the fact. That way, they also have the option of opting out if the way the check is going to be divided is unacceptable based on the size of the group. I’ve started to do that and although its not a pleasant conversation, its easier to do it via email to the whole group before the event, rather than have an awkward conversation with one person after the fact. Just my 2 cents
That is a great point Su
It is always good to set the expectation early enough. I am sure the email conversation won’t be as unpleasant as the one you would have in person after the check gets there and the one who ordered salad gets a huge surprise and throws a fit!
Such a relevant post..:)
I guess for small snack hangouts,dividing equally is the best thing we can do.But for grand dine outs,sometimes it may be expensive,esply when one of the lot just had salad..But then he/she should be given a chance to pay separately…But sure all this is a case minus the drinks.When that comes into scene,I think the best way would be asking for a separate bill for the booze and sorting it out..:)
Thanks Varsha, I totally agree.
Oh Sig… this is something I see a lot. Before S and I got married, we were part of the same group of friends. One time when we dined out, the bill came and everyone decided to split it. I did think it was unfair. I had a cocktail and some of the guys had whiskey and some 7-8 bottles of beer etc. There was this girl in the group who only had a coke. She said she didn’t want to split. So, I asked the waiter if he could split the booze bill and divide the food bill amongst everyone. He obliged. Then the girl starts off, “But I had only 1 cheese ball, I think he had 2.” I have avoided her since.
Even now, when we go out, S thinks we have to pay and he’ll offer to pay… some of the cheapskates we go out with will willingly oblige… I mean, why not. If I had 8 beers and someone else paid for it, whyever not?
On this topic, I have enough for another post… so I shall write in my blog and not take over yours
I feel your pain! It is the ones like the cheese ball girls that I try to avoid… Oh and, don’t even get me started about the freeloaders and dine-and-dashers.
Looking forward to that post, though you are more than welcome to take over this comment space anytime 
Sig, good suggestions. I also like Su’s suggestion that we e-mail each other to set expectations early, and it also is a safe way of saying I don’t want to pay for drinks without having to face the others!
This also works for people who do not want to pay for non-vegetarian food or alcohol on principle.
We don’t go out often with other people or other people who drink but if it’s the rare occasion, we wouldn’t mind paying. I remember we went out for a farewell party and one or two of us had a couple of drinks each and we had to fork out well over Rs 1000 each when we split the bill – we didn’t mind overtly because we were all friendly but the next time we decided there wouldn’t be any drinking, and there wasn’t.
Raaga, can make out you were pretty cheesed off!
I totally agree with setting the expecations early suggestion. There is nothing more uncomfortable than last minute fights about settling the tab, especially if you are out there to celebrate something. It totally kills the mood!
Oh sig! such a apt post. I have been hanging out with my cousins offlate(they r my friends) cos we belong to +- 3 yrs age diff. So its more like partyin wit friens. Even they blood related we have our diff but finally we arrived at one solution. Therez no deustch. Everytime only 1 person pays n interesting the bill amounts almost the same in every restuarant where we dine.
Ahem! wit freinds – therez lot of confusions n disagreements.Everytime I notice that I end up paying more than what I have had but I never created issue on dat.I beleive that we shnt have hard feelins when we wrap such a lovely evenin.
Once my friend P collected money is such a way that she really doesnt need to chip in. Smart Ass! he he. So i stopped hanging out wit them.
Vij, that is another great idea too. If the same group of people hangs out together often, everyone can take turns to pick up the tab, provided everyone sticks to their end of the deal though
I can imagine a situation when someone conveniently won’t turn up when its their turn to pay… 
You are too nice that you constantly had to pay more than what you had to and never made an issue. And yeah, I’ve had friends like Ms.P but we are not really friendly anymore
i say split it even and don’t hang out with people who are cheap
isn’t that possible?
that was a good post. I think splitting the chec evenly is the perfect way, cos Im sure the little extra here are there will match out somewhere or the other some other time or with some other set of people. The main idea of a dinner out is to have fun with friends and if you get a feel that the situation might get uncomfortable by splitting by who ate what, it is better to split it evenly. After all, you need to have a good feeling at the end of it all!
Amen, sista!
hi Sig, such a useful/ relevant post. We often come up with such situations, and if it is close friends, like you mentioned, there is no other rule than split equally even if someone did not eat/ drink much. Not everyone drinks, and if we do, we pay for the drinks separately and ask for a separate check for the food and bottled/ mineral water. If there is someone new, we usually prefer to ask beforehand (over phone/ email while finalizing the venue/time etc.) if they would not mind splitting equally. Normally no one says no. If someone says no, I think I would just tell them to go for a separate check for their food and drinks. It is always better to set expectations before the dinner out than afterwards and spoiling the fun!
Shreya, I agree totally. Setting the expectations, especially with a new group is the key here!
In college, once three of us went out and the third person didn’t have two dishes that we ordered, and she refused to pay for them at the end of the meal. Used to going Dutch, we were gobsmacked
as this was the first time anything like this had happened but in hindsight, I’ve just accepted it. And it’s not as if she even refused those dishes on principle!
As for cheap – I agree one cheese ball vs two is very cheap, but having to pay for stuff that one didn’t consume might pinch, especially if you go out frequently. I also think a bit of morality comes into play when you’re asked to pay for others’ alcohol regularly
– I mean, you’re virtuously staying away from “poison/a bad habit/vice”, so why the hell should you fuel someone else’s habit? 
Especially when it’s so expensive? I really haven’t had any such experiences with the check except the two instances I mentioned above so most of what I’m saying is thinking aloud, and observations from what I’ve heard. And I’ve heard this debated more in the West than here, definitely.
I know vegetarians who do not eat at or treat others at non-veg restaurants/homes and I respect that. It’s also quite acceptable to not serve non-veg but almost everybody seems to be disappointed when there’s no alcohol served – isn’t being a teetotaller as valid as being a vegetarian? And I’m not even talking money here. Now this is moving from the realm of relevant long comment into tangential rant …
Sra, I do agree in principle that nobody should pay more than what they consumed, but it often leads to very icky situations especially when people start to fuss about it right there in the restaurant. If someone has a group of friends that they hang out with often and they consistently have to pay more than their fare share, like Nags, I think it is better to come clean and let everone know that it won’t work. Clearly, they must be close friends and they would understand. But for the once-in-a-while dining outs especially to celebrate a special occasion and such, it is better to just go with the flow, I think.
And about vegetarians not serving non-veg on principle and teetotallers not serving alconhol, yeah, it is the topic for a totally new post.
I can understand why someone would do that when they host something at their house… We sometimes take some alcohol with us if we get invited to someone’s house like that, but never take non-veg to a vegetarian’s hoome 
I have two kinds of friends, one kind starts digging into their purses as soon as the plates are cleared, all eager to pay their share (we usually go Dutch, whatever the food, veg/not, or how much we’ve eaten) … the other kind says let’s pay one each one meal at a time, so we take turns – one meal you, one meal me … we’ve never had any fussers except that girl in college
hey you…have not read all ur posts..but i can see thta u are doing amazing on ur diet…i hope some of that good determination rubs off on me…i gotta lose 15 pounds..it is killing me i tell ya…
Coming to the current post…actually when i was in Hyd..my friends and myself would always split equally…till we were joined one day by a few newbies…who were like..i ate masala dosa…u ate rawa dosa…u can say that was the last time we ate out with them. As you stated…just use common sense while splitting the bill…if all of you ate pretty much the same…then split it…or work along…in the end u have to make sure…u cannot ruin a friendship for $10-15 dollars…but u should not feel jipped too…i am wary about eating out with friends we do not know for a long time…coz ppl. are funny when it comes to money!….and LOL at raaga’s comment on the cheeseball….
Hey girl, welcome back! Missed you here…
I totally hear you! I don’t hang out with the ones who look at I ate this so I have to pay $1 less, if I can help it. And people are funny when it comes to money, I don’t know why!!!!!
This is an interesting and relevant post and all your suggestions are practical. We usually have no problems when we dine out with friends, we split the tab even. But lunches with co-workers is a whole another story. I don’t mind paying extra given how inexpensive lunches usually are. I admire people who are upfront and ask for separate checks before ordering – I can never get myself to do that, God knows why. A co-worker took offence when I offered to pick up her tab at a coffee place. It really is icky sometimes
I like Shreya’s suggestions.
Yeah, work lunches are always funny affairs. Unless it is company sponsored, we try to go to a place where we have to buy our own food in advance, or get seperate checks. Though I’ve never met anyone who refuses free stuff though, that’s strange
But yeah, with so many different personalities from different cultural backgrounds, it seems we are always walking on eggshells. People take offence on the strangest things!!
Hi Sig,
I think the issue arises only at expensive places when there is a lot of booze involved. Otherwise splitting the bill works fine (Usually one person pays by credit card and the others chip in with cash). Even then people usually tell me to pay less since I am a vegetarian. If they don’t, I will split it evenly.
As for expensive dining, we get separate checks and the restaurant obliges as long you tell them upfront.
I agree with you about picking up the tab if the economic situation is different. I usually do it if I am dining out with one friend, otherwise it does get expensive ! Sorry for the long post
Yep, I agree, the issues arises at the expensive places where the booze tab can run easily into 100s of $$. Most restaurants unfortunately won’t give seperate checks, especially for big parties.
I know! It’s so embarrassing sometime. That’s why, I wait until somebody invites us. In that case, they must pay because they invited us. Most of the time, I just say “It’s our treat” in advance if we want their company, no thinking too much after that. But some are so shameless that they take it for granted that we will pay every time even when they ask us out for dinner!
Hey, I am great company Asha, waiting for an invitation
I will definitely have no problems eating out with you – that I know
I think you covered all the points possible, very sensibly – keeping in mind the main thing that we are going out for, to have a nice evening , should sort out most problems. Then being sensitive to someone’s individual situation is the other thing. Together – should solve most problems…
And yeah, isn’t that its all about, to have a nice fun evening with friends? So I never understand why someone wants to spoil the mood at the end!
When ever we go out with the group, if it is good friends we split the bill in two as mostly all of us take drinks, starters and main dish and dessert.
Otherwise we just calculate what each of us had. You know the price is always written in the menu card so you just have to do the maths, then there is no trouble or feeling bad as you know you paid exactly for what you ate.
Yeah, that is the same case with our group too, it is never a problem, splitting it equally works just fine! It is the occasional dining out with others that has caused issues. Calculating what we had doesn’t always work, especially when we order bottles of wine for the table and start with shared appetizers. And also, we always have to add about 28% more from the menu prizes to cover tax and tips etc, which some people conveniently forget.
Mmmmmmmmm….good question
This doesn’t usually happen with us as we eat out with close friends, not necessarily the same set but good friends. So the bill is always split equally.
Wouldn’t calculating what each had right there be impolite ? Though have done that during initial job/college days when money was scarce and we always ate at not-expensive places and paid our share and some friend’s who forced us nice girls to pay theirs’ too
But those were good days and we got back some way or other 
But this problem did creep up with my parents when they were traveling with some set of friends and not-friends in a travel group. It was getting expensive at the cost of one particular family and finally each family decided to pay on their own for all meals.
Yeah, in college it was fine, we used to calculate it down to the last paisa for the half roti, since everyone was on a strict budget. But now it is totally different situation, and there is nothing worse than sitting and doing the math at the end to figure out what each one had! It looks like every group has one or two who are out there to take advantage of others, which is the root source of most problems!
The college scenario, I didn’t really mean to say they wanted to take advantage, they didn’t and were good friends really, guess it was just a habit
I’m all for splitting the bill equally. My husband and I are big eaters and drinkers. As you say Sig, the whole evening is spoilt haggling over money. The friends we used to go out with were just like us so the bill was always split in half. In cases where there is a mixed group of people we’ve either asked for separate bills early on or decided to to pay our share of the bill (this being a bit painful but if nobody fusses too much its alright). Somehow paying our share has not been too painful unless one person cheats and pays too little or not enough tip. When we do pay our share we always round up the numbers and add in a few extra bucks. I have realized that if someone is worried about how much they’ll have to shell out, just let the server know you’re going to need a separate bill or tally up your share mentally with a decent tip when you order and throw in that much plus a few dollars more. I don’t like to go out with people who fuss a lot about a couple of extra bucks. I’d rather they eat on their own then!
Looks like you get exactly what I am talking about Naina… the fussers are the ones I hate!
That is very much true…nice post!
Thanks Malar!
Hmmmmm… been there, done that , that is paying for others when they just pretend not to see when the check comes or make a foolish joke saying that we are treating them for some weird reason! don’t go out with that kind a people anymore. If we happen to do at all, we calmly make a statement that “we’ll make separate bills”, order our family’s stuff & tell the waiter to make “separate bill”. that way we pay for what we are eating for & they pay for theirs. An order or appetizers shared.. don’t mind paying for that.
if its a close knit group and we order something which we did share… we have an understanding that we pay sometimes & they pay the next time.. a few dollars once in a while harldly matters. & don’t mind paying for close friends just as they don’t mind paying for us. but for sneaks… they can pay for what they consume.
Exactly! The few dollars here and there never should come between friends, it all evens out anyway, even if it doesn’t, who cares! You all enjoy each others company… The sneaks get away with it ones, noone in their right minds would want to eat with them ever again!
I should have stiffed you last night..
You didnt mention anything about family dining and sharing/splitting headaches with that crowd. That would be whole another post on my blog.
Family dining, you mean dining with other family members??? Never had much issues there, since it is always someone’s treat, and we dine out with very close family members anyway.. Looking forward to that post
I can see that my opinion is not popular. But it seems to me that your list of 7 different situations/solutions is long and complicated. I think it’s much simpler just to tell the server at the beginning that you want separate checks, and everybody pays for what they ordered. That’s the way most of my friends handle it.
Yeah, I agree that is the simplest solution, provided the restaurant do provide separate checks and everyone orders individually. We seldom do that, it is always shared dishes for the table, and most restaurants refuse to do seperate checks for large parties.
Your post and all the comments made for good reading.
We have been lucky not to be in such embarassing situations too often, thankfully. There have been occcasions when we have ended up paying our equal share, even though we are vegetarian, don’t drink and were in the minority. But it rankles for a while, it would have been rude and immature to do anything else.
When I am with friends we usually split up the bill, unless its someone’s treat.
And mostly when we eat out with company its because someone is definitely hosting the meal.
That’s good for you Aparna.. And I admire people like you who makes compromises once in a while to go with the flow. And lucky you, we don’t have many friends who take us out for a treat….
Sig
We usually go out with close friends and we split equally. Even girly nightouts were fine till now.. Never had any issue as I guess our friends, close n casual all have same eating n drinking habits u see. Work lunches n dinners always split equally. I remember few of them dropped out after few dinners, I guess they must have thought that they are paying more then what they ate.. Mmhhh its very diffcult to address these things
That is good for you P, if you ever got into these situations. I am not saying it happens to us all the time, but there’s been a few occasions and I recently heard from others who’ve had similar experiences.
This is a good one.
Good old friends : split; anyways by now you’ve probably already worked out the dance of when & how to split.
Otherwise : never split and always bring cash. Dates : split unless there’s an absolutely certain possibility of future dates where you can reciprocate, or you’re bitch that ate & ran.
There’s a reason why it’s called “family-style” sharing – don’t do it unless you’re with someone you consider “family”.
Most of my friends are single/dinks and an extra cheeseball here or there makes no difference to nice little 6 figure salaries. I learned my lesson from work friends though. It’s pretty difficult to stretch a salary to a SO that does not work & 4 kids, and getting stuck with a $50 check is a really, really big deal. The vegeterian/nv split is painful too – why does my veggie friend who had the $9 salad have to pay for my $30 NY steak?
But, at the end of the day, you either go out for the company or the food or both. And when it’s the company, you’ll find a smashing good time even in a little roadside dhaba. And when it’s food – it’s best to go out with people who can shell out the moolah for the food
OMG i started out searching for a pavakka pachadi recipe n i found this treasure trove. i have been reading for quite a while n i must say i m completely bowled over by ur website.. congrats on a grand job. but enough of the gushing n let me put in my 2 cents.. i ve often found that if i go out with a group of friends n it was a fun evening we just pick up the entire tab n the nxt time we allow another one to n the week after the next couple and so on n so forth… i find it much more refined than haggling over the bill.its the way things were done in india n i prefer to continue the tradition.
I feel dividing checks up equally works in some situations but not all. I hang out with two friends once a week for dinner. My meal generally averages 5 to 10 dollars less then theirs 90% of the time. To me dividing the check equally does not seem fair since it would never balance out and I would be the one getting the short end of the stick. Money is very tight for me in general and they both earn more double what I do and are not struggling moneywise. One of the friends thinks I am wrong not to want to divide equally. If I had the money the burn I would have no problem paying the whole check at times but as things stand for me now I think equally dividing the check would be unfair to me.
We usually split the bill when everyone has had similar amount of food barring 2-3 drinks (non-alcoholic).. Most of my friends don’t drink alcohol.. However, most times one person in the group will pick up the tab and others will pay him back.. And there’s this one guy who just doesn’t ‘remember’ or ‘care’ to pay back. And once his friend was around and we ended up picking the tab for the both of them because none of them offered to pay back…
What should the reaction be when a close couple invites you to a very expensive restaurant and offers to treat us. In the past it was understood that we would pay for our own dinners so as not to make dining together uncomfortable. They have never offered to pay before and we don’t feel right accepting them to pay for such an expensive meal. Any suggestions?