Some Totally Random Musings
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Sorry, I have to warn you before you get too far, this is not a food related post. Just wanted to let you all know that I didn’t fall off into the Niagara falls, thanks for the lovely comments and e-mails. After getting back home, things have been hectic at work, so didn’t get time to blog-hop, but I am slowly catching up. Thanks for all the delicious AFAM entries, please send me an email or leave a comment on the announcement page with the link if you haven’t already done so.
We had a great time at the falls and Toronto, till the last day when we got stranded in Chicago for a whole day due to bad weather and missed connection. To top it all I lost my cell phone in Toronto, so I was completely offline for a day with no email or Internet access, it was almost like losing a part of my body. Anyway, guess now I have an excuse to buy that iPhone after all 
Here are some Niagara Falls pictures from our trip.
Since I have to label this post as Random Musings anyway, thought I will share something totally random I’ve been musing over for a few days.
My friend M and I have been having a discussion about boundaries recently, this discussion was prompted by three random incidents that happened to us within the span of a week. To give you a little background, M and I have been best friends from college, and now we work together in the same team. There are very few Indian girls in our building, and some of us have become friends, getting together for coffee and lunch once in a while.
Scene 1:
M and I just got our morning coffees and were chit-chatting in front of the lobby at work. X who works in the same building walks towards us, says Hi and immediately pats my tummy.
I was shocked for a second, but knew where this was going, and immediately said, “Don’t say it… whatever you are thinking don’t say it out loud!”
Guess I was a little too late, X immediately says, “Hehe, from over there you look like you were two months pregnant!”
Ok, first of all… unless someone looks nine and a half months pregnant and is ready to burst, you don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant. Second of all, X knows for a fact that I am not pregnant.
So, my question is, what prompts someone to say this to a friend or for that matter to anybody?
Yes, I was wearing my knee-length empire waist top that I thought looked good, but can look like a maternity top for less fashion-forward beings 
Scene 2
Just a day after scene 1, M and I are at the exact same spot having coffee, and another girl Y walks towards us.
She says, “Wow, one of you smell really nice!” . Then she goes on to lean closer and smell M, frowns her face and says, “No, it’s not you”.
Well, we all know she didn’t mean it the way it came out, but let me just say that M’s morning was ruined!
Scene 3
This is two days after scene 2. I had an extremely stressful day at work, I was inside my room all day in front of my PC, trying to fix a bug which just didn’t want to get fixed. I even forgot to have lunch that day. I got out of my office and was walking to the kitchen to get some caffeine, and I run into a girl called Z.
She tells me, “You look so tired!”
I reply, “Yes, I was working non-stop for hours”.
She doesn’t let it go: “Wow, you look like sh!t, so sleepy, your eyes are all dark and red, you look really bad… “
She was still speaking when I just walked off in the middle of her sentence.
So, M and I were talking about these three incidents and wondering what prompts someone to blurt things out this way without any regards to other’s feelings. Are these people really crossing some line, or is it just that we got too sensitive after living here for a few years?
In India, things are a little different, there aren’t too many personal boundaries, people normally say what they feel. I am not judging whether that is good or bad, but I know I’ve changed. I try to think before I speak and make sure I don’t invade someone’s personal space by saying something that could potentially make someone uncomfortable. M is the same way too, and we both felt exactly the same way on all the three situations. X, Y and Z are all in the same age group as M and I, and might have probably spend more or less the same number of years that we did in the US.
What do you all think? Is it just us, or is it them? Are we too sensitive to take these to heart? Is it okay for someone to walk up to you and touch your tummy or sniff you? What do you achieve by telling someone how bad they look? Is there anyone out there who wouldn’t feel bad in these situations?
Okay, just wanted to put this out there, since I wanted to know how everyone feels about these. Feel free to express your views, even if you don’t agree with me. I love a healthy debate.
More like this..
Category: Random Musings
It’s not you, it’s them! It’s rude and totally uncalled for. Barbadians are also known for their lack of tack when speaking to people and commenting about certain things. You don’t need to tell someone they are looking fat, why, you think they did not see that in the mirror this morning?! Those things really get be P-Oed. Gheeze, stop and think before you blurt the first stupid thing to come out of your mouth. It’s a shame we have to deal with people like these.
I am guessing that based on the statement you made that X, Y & Z are also from India? There is a certain degree of familiarity that people feel is okay because we come from the same country or place… I don’t like it because while we may be from the same place, our principles, habits, attitudes and manners may be different so don’t presume you know me enough to spew your trash talk!
Wonderful pics of the Niagra Sig… as for the incidents… i guess its all to do with maturity…. a mature person would think twice before speaking or acting that way. If its a close friend however, they might be well-meaning as in case 1 or 3 but might not have put it out in a proper manner. For the most parts the best thing to do is to ignore them. I am one of those few rare Indians who have freckles and people in India arent aware about it… so i used to get a lot of questions (some well-meant, some offending). Since then i have learnt to filter and listen to only what i want to….
Sigma, when I was growing up, I was asked by several people in my family, “your mom is so fair and pretty, what happened to you?”. You can’t really pick your family but you can definitely pick your friends…so lose these ones!!!! They are just being vicious in the guise of showing concern and you’re better off not knowing them.
And you know how bitchy I can be, so think of all the things I didn’t say out loud 
Recently someone announced in front of several other people how tired and thin I looked and even though I tried to change the topic, she persisted. Finally I snapped back and said, “I’ve been working really hard…whats your excuse?” Not my proudest moment, but it shut her up
What gorgeous photos! I lived in NY for 5 years and I never visited the falls. Now that I’m in Seattle, I really wish I had.
I’m glad you walked away from the girl in scene 3. I’d be pissed too.
Well, before the debate,… Very Very lovely pictures of the Niagara Falls Sig, U came to my place
Are you still here or back to Seattle? I love Niagara Falls a loooooooooooot and have been there just the last month and for the second time. Lovely Pictures Sig.
Well, yes, wat u said about is i think ‘ill-mannered’, and one should not really put forward one’s thoughts if it hurts others.
Such things never happened with me though, if it would, maybe i would just ignore them and let them speak. Its surely rude..
I have always come across two kinds of people….. One who mind their own business….. two who mind only others business!
I guess they are just like that and you can’t really do much about it!
I used to have difficulty dealing the the pregnant issuas….. but now I have started answering back! Yeah, I do become arrogant at times as well…..
sig,some people are nosy and rude. there is no way around it! though i was laughing as i think the current crop of empire waist clothes do make everyone look preg, its no excuse to touch ur tummy! arms length please!
My sincere advice, don’t dwell on people who are clearly are not up to quality. Thinks about all the other nice people who you are surrounded with (like me!!!!
)
nice read.. i definitely agree that we have to think before talking considering the others’ feelings. I for one, never comment on an outfit or haircut or whatever unless asked for my opinion. then, i try to be as honest as possible, without being too blunt. if someone is looking (or smelling) good, i definitely let them know
but what i feel is, its unneccessary to say stuff to people if the only outcome is giving them a bad morning or making them feel bad..
btw, thanks for dropping by
Hi Sig,
I think living abroad does sensitize us more to these issues. And taking offence just becomes a part of the package- coz we wouldn’t go around sniffing ppl up desi or not, so we naturally begin to wonder if the ppl who do it have gone bonkers. Back at home we’d probably just ignore it along with the rest of the ‘are u pregnant yet, no? Then why do u look like u are’ kinda gibberish.
Having said that I must admit that sniffing up someone is new!! And sooo very rude.
Lovely pics. Waiting for yr next post..
chronicworrier.wordpress.com
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and for penning your thoughts down. It sure is nice to know that there are others who feel the same too… The fact is, I know how to react in these situations, I normally let people know if they have crossed the line, well, most of the time anyway. Some people are not even worth it. Since these very similar incidents happened within a week, we were starting to wonder whether we have become too impersonal or distant to feel offended by such behavior. Just wanted to confirm that it is okay to feel violated by such personal attacks. So, thanks again for all the comments, and for validating my feelings.
Mathuli, that is exactly my point. It is easy to pretend that such stuff doesn’t affect you, but I am sure most people feel a little pinch way deep inside… so why don’t these people who blurt out these things know this? Don’t they even care a little bit?
Reena, it is always nice to see you sweetie…
. And yeah, everyone is either too thin or too fat, I wonder what that perfect weight is!! I have heard that my whole life too… 
Lakshmi, I was just wondering if it is an Indian thing to be soo personal… Yep, we can never genaralize such a big dempgraphic, but all the three offenders happened to be Indians in this case, that made me wonder…
Srivalli u are so right, it just varies from person to person, some people just don’t think before they speak, it might be as simple as that!
Cinnamon, sorry about that, but glad to know that I am not alone
Jyo, thats exactly my theory too… with such people you have to let them know that it is not okay… good for you, you stood up to your colleague.
Raaga, oh the I-didnt-know-you’d-take-it-that-way excuse is the worse… I asked one girl, so how am I supposed to take this? There is not even an ounce of positive message in the whole thing, so how can they just assume we won’t take it to heart! I read your article, so well written!
Mamatha, thanks..
and now I know we are not too sensitive, those people are just so insensitive… thats all…
gayathre, ouch, that is just rude… I’m sure she has deeper issues than that, just because she is thin doesn’t give her any right to behave that way! Hope you set her straight!
Indo,
Siv asked me the same question about my phone too… 
believe me I would have found a better day to do that if I wanted to lose the phone… About the pregnant thing, I beg to defer… yep, women are always curious to find out if all the other married women are pregnant, but in this case, this girl knew I was not… She was just letting me know that I looked pregnant…. that is what really bothered me… what am I supposed to do with that information? 
Shn…
that is a good trick… anyway I am not all that sensitive either… it is true I get damn annoyed at such people, I let them know that and move on… I don’t let them ruin my day normally… 
isha, thanks
rajitha. don’t let the idiots bring you down… I just wish I could always come up with something clever and sarcastic say at all the occasions… sometimes these things come out of left field, and all I can do is walk away…
Bhags
lucky you! Yeah, the third person might have been genuinely concerned, but there is another way to put it, I’m sure!
Asha, you are lucky nobody ever said it to your face…
I don’t care what people think. I have fat days when I look into the mirror and don’t feel so great, but I don’t want others validating that wherever I go! It is none of their business! So, lucky you… 
Shilpa, u are not alone girl… I am sure such snide remarks affect every one, howmuchever someone says it doesn’t… I think that is basic human nature… I just don’t get the people who still think it is their business to state the obvious on your face! We can ignore them, but unfortunately we can’t stop them!
Rachna, immaturity is one explanation for this kind of behavior, I’m sure!
Richa, yep I think I give out a vibe that it is okay to say things to me, I won’t care… but that is not an excuse… anyway I don’t want to act less friendly just so that these kind of people will leave me alone, normally there are only few bad seeds, most people are nice… so the issue is to get these weeds out of the good crop!! And thanks sweetie, that made me smile.. non-entities
Arts,
no, I’m not at all the over-sensitive type… I was just merely making an obeservation… but that doesn’t mean that these don’t affect me, I get annoyed like crazy at such people, and I think I always will!
Latha. oh I know that feeling… trying hard to lose weight, and just after you lose a few lbs, someone come over and make a snide remark like that, it is the worst feeling in the world! Been there, done that! Oh, how I wish I could just whack someone for touching my tummy…
It sure feels nice to just imagine that!
Amy< I am glad you could stand up to them.... And thanks for commenting, not at all long-winded, you are always welcome to write what you feel here...
Manasi, aargh… I hate those people who will let you know what exactly is wrong with you everytime you meet them… as you said if we are too fat or too thin, there is nobody in the world who should really care other than ourselves, so why do these idiots even care!!! I’ve had some of those in my life, who I slowly cut loose… good riddance!
Bharathi, as I said earlier I was not generalizing…but it just happened to be all Indians who were the culprits here…
so I was just wondering if this was in our culture to be so rude, with that friendly disguise! And yep, that is the canadian side of the falls.. and the maid of the mist is the best thing there I guess…. 
Padma, actually I;ve never had these from people over here… all the americans I know are way too respectful and don’t meddle, they know how to be friendly without being too friendly! May be I am generalizing again!
bee, I honestly don’t know if they would or would not do this to their bosses, they just don’t think about the effect their words have on others! And yeah, boundaries is a very interesting topic, thanks for that link!
kay,
lol I guess that was just a stupid person! A two weeks old baby, and she thinks you are preganant again!! height of stupidity I’d say 
sra< well put...I really want to give people one more chance too, but the first person wasn't curious as to whether I was pregnant, she was just letting me know that I looked fat... that's the part I don't get, what drives these people!!!
Mansi, yep Maid of the mist is the best, you just won’t get the feel of the magnitude till you get that close! I’ll check out ut post soon!
Suganya, how I wish I could smell such people and go ewwww… but I know I’d repent it immediately… sigh… I cant get into their level… but I sure can dream…
Cyn, I think that is just what it is too… they are all from India, and they just assumed that they are in the inner circle just because we are all from the same country!!
priyanka. Concerned or not, I think if everyone try to think for a moment how their words are going to affect the listener, the world will be a better place for it! I can imagine the kind of questions the concerned lot would’ve asked about your freckles, glad you learned to ignore them!
Su, I read it again, and I can’t stop laughing… I wish I could’ve used that line “What’s your excuse?”… I wish I could see her face when you said that
amy I wouldn’t have gone to Niagara falls, if it wasn’t for my in-laws last year! It truly was a majestic sight, I had to take my parents this year too… I’m sure you will get to go one day!
Mona
we are back in Seattle now… So you get to visit Niagara falls whenever you want! and you are so lucky you never had to encounter such people! 
coffee, yeah I guess we can’t do much about it… but each time we stand up to one of them, hopefully they will bite their tongue before they attack someother innocent human next time! So yeah, i think we have to be rude to such people, take one for the society:)
Shaheen
I love some of those tops… but sigh… some does look like maternitywear, what to do… I love wearing those on the days I feel blotted, but guess that is the wrong idea 
anon,
thanks, I’m glad you are here for me, it would’ve been better if I knew who you were 
Nags. thats my policy too, if someone looks good, I let them know, if they are having a bad hair day, i leave them alone… there are 100 other topics to talk about, so why even bring this up!!
Cw,
yeah the sniffing part was new to me too… 
its been a few years, so I wasnt sure if it is an accepted practice, glad to know its not… 
So far there are only comments supporting your viewpoints. Take these comments with a grain of salt.Remember in your new year resolution, you criticised about Indian ladies in US who haven’t adapted to US style? You commented that they wear jeans only fit for stick-thin models. Well even this high-waisted dress/top look good only on stick-thin models. Remember the low waisted jeans that was all the rage a few years back? It also only looked good on stick-thin models. Almost all of us have read journalists who are “fashion police” making fun of people wearing dresses that don’t suit them and they are paid to do so. Maybe the people who criticise us are the people who are around us. They might make hurting remarks because either they are jealous or they don’t like you; so they deliberately make hurtful comments. The scenarios that you have written are particularly outrageous but it should have remained personal between you and your friend. In scenario 3, you walked out of someone talking to you. Doesn’t that reflect insensitivity on your part? Even if you are upset with someone unnecessarily rambling at you, have a common courtesy to say that you are completely zonked out and depart with a rain check (don’t follow through it if you don’t like them!). As for the incident you wrote in your meme. You should not have mentioned that you will never again attend a baby shower and you will be more than happy to send over a gift. Doesn’t that reflect callousness? Suppose a mom-to-be who has read this and know you, wouldn’t she get hurt? What then?
Hi Anonymous,
I wonder why whenever someone disagrees with you, they hide behind the ANONYMOUS curtain… it is really easy to say things when nobody knows who you are right? Well, that gives you a big advantage.
But leaving that aside, thanks for your viewpoint. When I posted this, I was expecting supporters for both sides of the argument anyway, but looks like here you are not really supporting the other side, but twisting my words to weaken my case. All you have done is to take stuff from different posts of mine and attack those points, instead of contributing anything positive to the point in discussion… well, you had a lot of time to think through I guess.
Regarding your first comment about people not wearing the styles that suit them, of course everyone makes fashion mistakes! My first post was not about people not adapting to the latest style, it was about fitting in a little better with the surroundings. It was about the way you present yourself, not about adapting the latest trends!
And regarding my scenarios, I haven’t used any names, they know who they are, nobody else does. I just wanted to validate these with people to know if these were socially acceptable behaviors. And in scenario 3, this was not a friend, and no, I really don’t need to take the shit from anyone, or even try to correct their behavior. I don’t care about that person, I have more than enough friends already who I don’t have to change. I wanted her to see that she can’t talk to me that way, and I think she got the point.
And about the baby-showers, I do hope all moms-to-be who know me read that. All I said was nobody can expect me to attend a shower, just because we have been introduced at one point in our lives. People whose baby showers I will attend, will not feel bad about this, since they know me well, and they know what it is about… for all others, I really wanted to send the message.
That was a long winded explanation, but I wanted to extend the courtesy to my anonymous reader. Hope you leave at least your name if you decide to respond.
-Sig
Good one sig! Yes they are always anonymous.
- (U know who I am)
Sig, i understand what you mean…..it hurts even more when its not casual acquaintances, but your friends who say hurtful things. i mean, what would it take that woman to tell you, “you deserve some rest, dear”. instead of the nonsense she spoke…..
and those are some great pictures, dear. I am glad you enjoyed such lush scenary
.
hugs,
musical.
He he, and you too are after the iphone
. the only thing is that its available with ATT alone 
so no luck for me.
hey and i always have wanted to know what do you think of the PC vs. Mac ads
.
Thanks for stopping by Sig! Have a great weekend!
ChronicWorrier.wordpress.com
Awesome pics sig. Some people are so insensitive to other people’s feelings. I wonder how they would feel if they were in your place.
Sig, i have something waiting for you in my blog…check it out.
You wrote “feel free to write” and then when someone comment under ANONYMOUS, complaints arise. But
you did not specify that identity of the commentors must also be revealed in your original post!
Moreover, Anonymous option is put in blogspot for a reason. There is no point in using “anonymous”
ticket to distract from the topic too.If you are uncomfortable reading such comments, don’t post
such topics! I warned you. Commentors can twist your words because they write from what they have read and respond to what is written in the post. They don’t know the real picture. So if the picture is incomplete, the responses may not be what you want them to be.
Sticking to this post, walking out of anyone who is talking to you is not an acceptable behavior. You might have made it clear that you are not interested in talking with her.Obviously, she must have been hurt by your behavior but you DON’T CARE.Isn’t that insensitivity? You says everybody makes fashion mistakes. Why is it difficult for you to agree that you are also committing a fashion mistake? High-waisted tops are not flattering for full-figured women. Accept that and move on. In scenario 1, that lady must have behaved so to get her point across. It is obvious that high-waisted cut have always been used for almost all maternity tops to emphasize the fullness of the belly not to hide it. Well, scenario 2 is inexcusable as always.
When your near and dear ones criticise, it is okay because you know they love you no matter what; but when strangers criticise, it hurts because you don’t know them.
OK Ms.Anon, I think I’ve answered all these points in my first response… When I said everyone, that was inclusive of me!!
Anyway, please note that if I was uncomfortable reading your comment, all I had to do was to click the delete button. It is my blog after all my friend from Ft. Worth!
Thanks for your insights. Looks like you are a dedicated reader too… so you are always welcome here. Again, it will be nice to put a name to the thoughts…
sig darling,
I have been super busy and have been out of food world too but wanted to say, beautifuuuulll pics!
I love that night shot of Niagara.
I personally get very annoyed with such comments and I have had my fair share before and after kids. I dont think people like these discriminate! I have a relative actually who is like this and she goes around saying this to everyone in the family. Its a family joke now if she DOESNT comment that something is wrong. So I am completely with Lakshmi on this..doesnt matter where you are from..its the person who is making such rude comments not the familiarity of origin.
I think you have a right to walk out if you were being offended.. thats one response.
Ok, glad to see you back in action..hopefully I will too!
BV thanks
Musie.
yep, you deserve some rest dear, that would’ve been really nice… I could’ve really used that at that time… So, you don’t have AT&T, huh? I was with cingular, and now with AT&T, so yes, I can get the iPhone. I’m just calling up the lost and found for the last time to really make sure the phone is lost, and then I can go shopping… About the PC vs Mac ads, how dare they… 
(Hope my big boss is not reading, but those really are funny, hehe)
ChronicWorrier, loved your blog
u have a great weekend too!
Pravs, thank you dearie… I loved the award, but I’d have been more happy if u had invited me over and shared that yummy fish curry…
Archus, u are up too…
… have a great weekend sweetie, looks like we are gonna have great weather!
lovely pics of Niagara, the Canada side is sure worth it. I have never been there.
After coming to US lot of things have changed me too. When I had a trip to India recently, when relative or friends teased me, the first thing was I did not appreciate it may be because I lived here for quite sometime. the second thing is, it shows on my face which is the worst part and my dad used to keep telling me that it was supposed to be a joke. I used to have a neutral reaction on my face wondering whose fault is it!!
Great pics! Reminds me of the great time I and my friends had the last time I visited the place (during the onset of the winter, when the place looks completely different).
As for the ‘incidents’, I guess it’s a girl thing, India or the US!
Hi,
often read your blog but was too lazy to raise my fingers to comment. But this blog was a toughie.
i didn’t have a name for this behaviour – I used to call it ‘being familiar’. And I too thought it was an indian thing. You get introduced to somebody and within a few days (or minutes) they think they have a right to ask you intimate questions (how did u get married, what car do you drive, how much do you make, have you bought a house, blah). I have seen it in americans too – though not as much as in indians – they do it more subtly and their curiosity is on different things not the usual indian hangups . And the number of years spent in US is not indirectly proportional to the degree of the behaviour. In fact it has no relation at all.
And i totally agree with how you deal with it. Wish i could be more direct. I usually spin a yarn and have fun keeping it up everytime i meet them
Ammu
Dear Sig, lovely pictures to share. Regarding your question: It is what we feel about ourself is more important than what others say. If somebody come and tell me, with interest, that I will look much better if I shed some extra kilos around my waist – OK. I take it as an advice. But otherwise – i just ignore. It is so pathetic, when people comment you when you are in hospital bed also. This happened to me. I just smiled. That’s all. What to do? Lesson learnt – just ignore! This is my humble opinion. Have a good day and enjoy your life. Viji
I’m a bit on the heavier side & have been thru scene 1 many a times… Even those unknown taxi drivers trying to catch a customer saying ‘it’s better not to strain much when pregnant’….grrrhhhh…
Hi Sig,
It’s my first time leaving a comment here. So would like to commend you on your blog. I esp like to browse the restaurant reviews. (as I am in your neck of the woods)
Secondly, regarding the incidents, I emphathise. (and would be upset too) What people say or do never ceases to amaze me. But I like what you did in scene 3..walked away. good for you.
Its interesting just last week at girls night out we had some very similar discussions..some how its always women who are mean and cruel to each other. Wonder why?
On the otherhand we can’t be without our girlfriends!
btw I got lol reading ‘last baby shower’.
Thanks for sharing and lookforward to your other blog
best
su
Hey Sujatha, welcome…
… Good to meet another Seattlite. 
Sig just now read this wonderful post as i am back now from india and he way u handled it is pretty amazing!!
and keeping it cool, way to go gal!!
I have seen many incidents where people behave the way they want to and not even realising how its gonna effect the other person.I think its pure jealousy!!!
I remember an incident when a close friend of mine stopped talking when she came to know that i was in the finals and started hurting me in such a way to make me guilty of something i haven’t done!! so believe me Sig there are people who are so insensible!!don’t let these things spoil u’r wonderful life!!